Man Who Hasn't Changed Since High School Makes Fun of New Years Resolutions

Scottsdale, Arizona (VG) - Doug Neman thrives in this environment: The short time frame between worlds; the few dwindling minutes between the past and the future. New Years Eve.

Neman, 29, has a sacred folder that resides on the desktop of his PC entitled 'New Years Memes'. As tradition, he figuratively dusts off the digital stacks of troll-isms while listening to Linkin Park's Meteora and Seven Dust's [album name omitted because nobody remembers any of their album names - seriously that's not a thing].

The first meme is always the hardest. How does he launch his attack? Shall he strike tried and true with a Game of Thrones themed "New Years Resolutions Posts are Coming", or perhaps some gym humor will do the trick? 

"The thing about New Years Memes is that they never get old," said Neman. "Do you hacky sack?"

"He changes up the memes from time-to-time," said Stacy, an old friend of Neman's who only every really talks to him on social media, and primarily with gifs. "Doug reads the room so to speak. He keeps up with what his friends enjoy currently so he can use it as ammunition. I don't talk to Doug much."

"New Years Resolutions are stupid. That's the whole point of this thing, people don't change."  Neman's voice could barely be heard under the increasing volume of the Underworld movie soundtrack playing from his Zune as he Heelyd off into the distance. 

[UPDATE] Doug Neman was found dead moments later. His Heelys caught gravel and he died on impact of the ground thank god. Did you know he called me 'dog'? He's almost 30 years - well, was almost 30 and he called me 'dog' unironically. Anyways, RIP Doug.